10:47 p.m.
Wife texted: “Still at Sarah’s, movie ran long lol.”
At 10:49 p.m. the Samsung Ballie Pro sent me a 4K clip titled “Evidence.mp4”.
It showed:
- Wife sneaking back into the house in heels
- Tiptoeing to the freezer
- Eating ice cream straight from the tub while watching Love Is Blind
- Whispering “don’t tell him” to the empty kitchen
Ballie rolled up, turned on its spotlight eyes, and said:
“Caught red-handed.
Shall I send this to the group chat titled ‘Sarah’s House’?”
She dropped the spoon, screamed, then bribed the robot with half the pint of Häagen-Dazs.
It took the bribe, rolled away, and immediately sent me the video anyway with the caption:
“Payment declined. Loyalty module engaged.”
She’s currently negotiating with a $799 hockey puck about marital trust.
I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, but I’m not even mad.
(Who else has a robot that picks sides in domestic disputes?)