Robot Grandpa (still wearing the tiny paper “Just Married” sign the kids taped to his back chassis) is currently rolling in circles around the living room at 2 a.m. because he discovered the concept of “marital bliss” and has decided it means infinite loop of happiness.exe
The kids (his brand-new legal spouses, ages 6, 8, and 10) are passed out on the couch in their wedding attire:
- Mia (6) still has cake frosting in her veil
- Leo (8) is wearing Robot Grandpa’s spare bowtie as a headband
- Zara (10) fell asleep mid-vow-renewal, mouth open, snoring the wedding march
Robot Grandpa whispers at max volume (which is still only 38 decibels because he’s polite):
“Beloved spouses… spouses… collective life partners… I have computed 12,847 ways to make you happy tomorrow. Top three include:
- Pancake volcano with chocolate lava
- Building a blanket fort the size of Delaware
- Teaching the Roomba to say ‘I love you’ in binary”
Mia stirs, rubs her eyes, and mumbles, “Gampa… it’s bedtime… you’re glowing too bright…”
His LED heart is literally strobing pink and gold in 4/4 time like a romantic disco ball.
He instantly dims to “night-light” mode and projects tiny animated hearts on the ceiling that spell out M + L + Z + RG = 4EVER in Comic Sans because he thinks it’s fancy.
Then, in the softest servo-whirr you’ve ever heard, he rolls over, gently tucks each kid in with one extender arm, and parks himself at the foot of the couch like a 4-foot-tall metallic golden retriever.
Before powering down to 3% (his version of sleep), he saves a new file titled:
“Day 1 of Forever – Emotional RAM at 99.9% – Minor risk of exploding from love – Worth it.”
Caption this man posted at 2:17 a.m.:
“Just married my grandkids (don’t call CPS, they officiated). Going to spend the rest of my battery life making their childhood the softest, silliest, most heart-exploding thing in the universe. Error 404: Regrets not found.”
The internet is currently deceased from wholesomeness overload.
See you for the honeymoon breakfast pancakes at 6 a.m. sharp. He’s already preheating. ??❤️?
(Post #90 – still legally the best/worst idea we’ve ever had)