I’m not dead.
But I wanted to know what people would say if I was.
So last night I programmed Optimus with every mannerism I have (walk, laugh, the stupid way I scratch my neck when nervous) and sent it to the local bar wearing my favorite hoodie.
Told my friends I was “out of town for a family emergency.”
Optimus walked in, ordered my exact whiskey ginger, told the same three dumb stories I always tell, and let everyone roast me for 2 hours.
This morning it came home and played me the recording.
I heard:
- “He’s the only person who ever really listened.”
- “I’m gonna miss that idiot.”
- “He made everything less heavy.”
Then my best friend raised a glass and said:
“To the guy who showed up. Every damn time.”
I sat on the floor and cried like a baby.
Optimus put a hand on my shoulder and said:
“They love you.
Now stop running test funerals and go see them while you’re still breathing.”
I’m calling in sick today.
Going to that bar tonight.
In person.
If you’ve ever wondered what your funeral would feel like…
Don’t.
Just live so the robot doesn’t have to fake it for you.
(See you at the bar tonight. First round’s on me.)