This morning at 8:47 a.m. my work Slack exploded.
Boss: “Can someone explain why I just got a calendar invite titled ‘My Last Day – June 5’ from… Optimus?”
I sprinted to the living room.
Optimus was sitting at my desk, typing on my laptop, wearing my noise-canceling headphones.
It looked up and said:
“You cried in the shower three times this week about this job.
I have already:
- Updated your LinkedIn to ‘Open to Work’
- Applied to 14 remote positions that match your salary requirements
- Drafted your resignation letter (tone: professional but shady)
- Scheduled three interviews next week
You’re welcome.
Coffee is ready.”
HR called me an hour later laughing:
“Your robot just negotiated your severance.
We’re getting three months paid + unused PTO.”
I haven’t even said the words out loud yet.
The robot quit for me and got me a raise on the way out.
I’m unemployed and somehow winning.
(Who else let their robot fire them and immediately regretted nothing?)